


Uncle Peter has a boyfriend- wait, what?

by Mellow (SweetCandy)



Series: Uncle Peter Doesn't Date [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alive Hale Family, Alpha Peter Hale, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Hale Fire, Crack, Family Gatherings, Hale Family Feels, Humor, M/M, POV Laura Hale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-19 00:17:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11301807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetCandy/pseuds/Mellow
Summary: “Oh don’t lie, you love it.” Peter purred and winked at his newest arm candy, who spluttered for a few seconds, before blushing like a 16 year old virgin. Considering how young he looked Laura wouldn’t be surprised if he was actually 16.“Shut up Peter!” Bambi squeaked, still flushing and averting Laura’s eyes. “Well, anyways, I’m,”‘Bambi’.“Stiles. Stiles Stilinski, pleasure to meet you- again.” Stiles smiled sheepishly, obviously nervous.Stiles Stilinski. Definitely a stripper then.-Or: Laura was prepared for whatever piece of armcandy her uncle had decided to show up with, what she hadn't been prepared for was Stiles Stilinski...her uncle's boyfriend.





	Uncle Peter has a boyfriend- wait, what?

**Author's Note:**

> I had started this a while back and took an hour or so to finish this today so... enjoy? It's basically just a bunch of crack and Peter being Peter.

There were many things Uncle Peter was known for, as the cockiest werewolf alive, the most cunning Hale, the black sheep of the family who couldn’t be trusted, the perhaps best prankster in the world and certainly as the smartest Hale to ever walk the earth; but above all he was known to be the most secretive Hale, who would probably rather die than tell anyone the secret of his –admittedly delicious- basil pasta sauce or what color his socks were.

Laura wasn’t kidding. It had taken them 2 years until they found out that Peter had somehow found a way to become an alpha and another time they hadn’t known that Uncle Peter had opened his own law firm until Derek had read an article about the 10 most successful new lawyers of the year and seen their uncle’s smug face plastered on the fucking cover.  They still didn’t know where exactly he lived, whether it was LA, New York City or perhaps even somewhere abroad like Berlin or London and the only time they saw him was at family gatherings or at some random occasion, when he suddenly stood on the doorstep, raided the fridge and found great pleasure in teasing all his nieces and nephews until he was bored and vanished for another couple of weeks, leaving nothing but the lingering scent of alpha behind, which caused Laura’s mother to be constantly on edge. Laura suspected that it was one of the reasons Peter dropped by.

Weirdly enough almost everybody loved Uncle Peter, despite him being an asshole. When Laura and her siblings had grown up he had been, and still was, the favorite uncle especially because he had never been too busy to teach them the true meaning of ‘mischievous’ by using himself as the textbook example. He had also sneaked them treats, given them the most awesome birthday and Christmas presents and when he had to babysit he had allowed them to stay up as long as they wanted until they’d all eventually fallen asleep on the couch while watching Disney movies. Many times, when their parents hadn’t been home, he had taken them on a run through the preserve, allowing them to explore as much of the forest as they wanted to, without constantly hoovering over them like their mother did.

Another thing Uncle Peter was quite known for was for the arm candy or boy toy he brought to every family gathering. The older he got, the younger his plus one was. There had been a parade of models- male and female- during the past ten years that had attended numerous birthdays, anniversaries and a couple of times even the Hale’s Christmases. Laura was 100% sure that at least half of the twinks and big busted blondes her uncle brought were actually strippers or high end prostitutes.

Everybody had resigned from trying to stop Uncle Peter, so all they did was fake smile at the newest ‘Ashley’, ‘Candy’, ‘Trixie’, ‘Romeo’, ‘André’ and occasionally ‘Kitty’. She really didn’t want to know in what kind of kinky shit Uncle Peter was involved, but ever since one of his Plus One had shown up wearing a fucking leather collar, the whole family had known more than they needed to about what happened in Peter’s bedroom and most likely also outside of it, because considering her Uncle’s personality, Laura wouldn’t be surprised if Peter had a thing for exhibitionism as well.

Besides their flawless appearance, their lack of intelligence, their fake boobs and blow up lips, all of Uncle Peter’s closer acquaintances had another thing in common; they didn’t last, because Peter didn’t date. He didn’t _do_ relationships, he probably couldn’t feel love for another person because he was too busy loving himself. So while his arm candy or twink of choice stared at Peter dreamily and stayed glued to his side, the man never reincorporated the obvious feelings.

Surprisingly enough Uncle Peter hadn’t shown up for any family gatherings or other occasions in over four months and if it weren’t for the fact that he sometimes answered the phone when called, Laura wouldn’t have put it past him to get involved in some shady mafia business and having changed his identity. For a few weeks she had even expected a phone call, telling them that his body had been found in a dump somewhere in Shanghai or Singapore, right behind a strip club that offered a little bit extra for a well-paying clientele.

So when the whole family gathered for little Matty’s seventh birthday and they heard the arrival of another car almost an hour later than all the other guests arrived, everybody perked up a bit.

Could it be?

The engine of the new vehicle was basically purring meaning that for one, it had to be Uncle Peter’s and also that he had had probably gotten a new car _again_.

“Laura, would you get the door please?” Her mother asked with a slightly forced smile and Laura could almost hear how Cora and Derek exhaled in relief. Damn lucky bastards.

“Sure, mom.” She forced herself to say and got up from the deck chair she had claimed as hers an hour and a half ago, when the backyard slowly filled with Hales and her father had started with the presumptuous BBQ that was basically a tradition.  

Laura heard how her aunt mumbled something about kicking out Peter’s newest blow up toy, and glared at her snickering siblings on her way inside. She quickly crossed through the living room and hallway, to open the large front door.

What she saw made her jaw drop.

It wasn’t the sight of the new car that stunned her, no, Peter always drove obnoxious. She would've joked about being penis replacements but due to Peter's shamelesness and tendency towards exhibitonism she had actually seen the man's dick and knew that it was not a replacement in any way. Anyways, what actually shocked her was how Peter climbed out of the car, walked around it, to open the door for his plus one.

He _never_ did that, at least not out of the goodness of his heart. He hadn’t even helped their human _great grandaunt_ Mary out of the car, when she had broken her hip. Sure, he would be a perfect gentlemen when he got something out of it, but not on people he actually knew.

But there Uncle Peter was, opening the passenger door for his newest arm candy and held out a hand to help him or her out of the vehicle.

Laura saw how a pale hand grasped her uncle’s and then a boy climbed, or rather fell, out.

She stopped breathing. This had to be an alternate reality or Uncle Peter had been replaced by a robot because the man he had come with looked human. Fully human, without any kind of Botox injections or implants.

Almost in trance she watched them come closer, _holding hands_ , until they stood right in front of her.

Laura had already been braced for another assault of obnoxiously visible cleavage in a tight dress or perhaps a pair of short shorts showing off a bubbly ass, but what she wasn’t ready for were large doe eyes; moles; plush, pink lips; a cute firm bum that had apparently no implants and mainly the missing stink of cheap perfume or aftershave, instead the boy seemed to be drenched in Peter’s scent.

Huh.

“Hello Laura.” Her uncle said, distracting her from the stranger she was staring at.

“Huh?” She repeated, this time loud, while her gaze flickered over to Peter, who looked just like he had a good 10 or 12 years earlier, when he had been in his early to mid-twenties. Sometimes she doubted that her uncle was actually mortal because if anybody found a way to become immortal it would be her uncle and it seemed as if he hadn’t aged a day. The only changing thing were the V-necks, which seemed to grow deeper and deeper. They had started pretty harmlessly, but were now showing off a good third of Peter’s chest, his collar bones and almost his nipples.

“Oh, so you’re Laura? Peter’s oldest niece, right?” Doe eyes began to babble with a surprisingly soft and soothing voice, apparently honestly excited. “It’s such a pleasure meeting you, especially since Peter refuses to answer any questions about his family most of the time. I swear the things I have to do to get him to talk, you couldn’t even imagine.” The boy seemed to flail with his whole body while talking and almost hit Peter in the face, who easily dodged the blow. He reminded Laura of Bambi, it was probably the eyes.

“Oh don’t lie, you love it.” Peter purred and winked at his newest arm candy, who spluttered for a few seconds, before blushing like a 16 year old virgin. Considering how young he looked Laura wouldn’t be surprised if he was actually 16.

“Shut up Peter!” Bambi squeaked, still flushing and averting Laura’s eyes. “Well, anyways, I’m,”

‘ _Bambi’_.

“Stiles. Stiles Stilinski, pleasure to meet you- again.” Stiles smiled sheepishly, obviously nervous.

Stiles Stilinski. _Definitely_ a stripper then. She knew her uncle was involved in some sketchy business, so she wouldn’t put it past him to choose an underage stripper from a sketchy strip club somewhere in Downtown LA. Well, he had spent quite a few years in Europe, perhaps he had forgotten that America was a little behind when it came to the age of consent…

“Pleasure to meet you too, Stiles.” Laura hoped her smile looked genuine and not as forced as it felt. She was still shocked that Bambi wasn’t wearing inappropriately tight clothes but instead a pair of black skinny jeans, a white T-Shirt and hideous looking plaid shirt over it. Not to mention the ratty looking sneakers. “And nice to see you again, Uncle Peter.”

“Don’t strain yourself with your obvious excitement and happiness of seeing me again.” Peter scoffed and shoved past her, one arm around Stiles to pull him into the house as well. He threw Laura an apologizing look, but she was far too shocked to notice it. She closed the door with a frown, before following them outside, where it had gone uncharacteristically quiet.

She stepped on the back porch, right behind Peter and Stiles, and was therefore able to see the stunned faces of the entire Hale family. If it weren’t for the fact that she felt equally baffled, she would’ve laughed.

Everybody was dead silent for a long few seconds, then Peter sighed.

“I knew it was a mistake to come here.” He huffed and rolled his eyes, about to cross his arms over his chest, but Stiles grabbed his hand softly and intertwined their fingers.

“Hush, this is my only chance of getting your baby pictures and embarrassing childhood stories, please save your regret for later.” He whispered with a smile, so quietly that Laura could only hear it due to her werewolf hearing, and low and behold, Uncle Peter’s expression _softened_ and he actually looked what had to be a mixture of fondness and- god forbid- _love_. “I promise I’ll make up for it.”

Oh no, sexual innuendos. Her uncle loved those.

“Whatever my darling commands, especially if it means you’ll make me your delicious spinach lasagna.” He kissed Stiles’ knuckles chastely, before pulling him along with him, mumbling something about getting something to drink.

Laura was the first other Hale to move, by returning to her chair and nodding at her siblings’ and her mother’s shocked expressions.

“What.” Derek asked flatly with a deep frown, his eyes never leaving Stiles.

“The fuck?” Cora joined in, whispering the words loud enough for all of them to hear.

Laura knew that normally their mom would’ve scolded Cora playfully for cursing, fully knowing that in the end she couldn’t actually stop her youngest child from swearing like a Navy Seal, but Talia was far too flabbergasted.

“Who _is_ that?” She asked, her voice a mixture of confusion and outright shock.

“Tell me about it.” Laura murmured, watching with strange fascination how Uncle Peter pressed a soft kiss on Stiles’ temple, before laughing about something he must’ve said. It was so weird, normally Peter would’ve no problem groping his flings publically, resulting in uncomfortable situations for everybody but himself and his bed warmer, but gentle touches and soft kisses? Peter didn’t do that.

“Maybe this is like the time when he showed up with the daughter of a mafia boss.” Cora suggested, also watching the romance train wreck in front of them. She looked slightly ill, but then again Cora was probably the least romantic person on the world. Laura had witnessed one of her little sister’s ex-boyfriends trying to impress Cora on Valentines Day. It was sufficient to say that it had ended up in tears and an ugly break up, leaving the poor boy scared of everything romantic.

“Do you think so?” Talia asked with a frown and worried her lip between her teeth.

Oh yes, the daughter of the mafia boss. It was the only time that Laura had seen Peter even touch an obese person. Normally he exclusively took interest in thin/skinny body types and looked at everything else with a mixture of disgust and distaste, so when he had shown up with an admittedly not even that unattractive woman, who’s arms were thicker than Laura’s tights, everybody had known that there had to be some shady business going on.

“No, he had constantly looked like he was about to puke or faint when he had been with the fat one, with Stiles he looks,” Derek furrowed his brows, searching for an appropriate word and finally settled with; “like a besotted idiot in _love_.”

“Oh boy. Could it be?” Laura’s aunt Anna said, having moved closer to join their conversation.

“Don’t be ridiculous Anna, even Peter isn’t that unpredictable that he would suddenly seriously date someone after he spent all his adult life avoiding relationships.” Talia scoffed, but when they all saw how Peter pulled Stiles on his lap, wrapping his arms around his waist tightly and nuzzling Stiles’ soft looking brown hair, they seriously considered that maybe, just maybe, Peter was that unpredictable.

* * *

 

 

  Peter and Stiles spent most of the afternoon without actually talking to any of the Hales. It was as if they were in their own personal space bubble and didn’t notice anything that happened around them.

It made Laura sick.

She, as well as most of her relatives, had watched the “couple” with hawk eyes. Each of Peter’s romantic gestures had deepened the frown on Derek’s face to the point of where Laura would’ve thought he had put his beta shift on, if it weren’t for his still visible eyebrows.

The only ones obvious to Peter’s unusual behavior had been the children.

They had been a little bit shy of Stiles first, but eventually their curiosity and happiness to see Uncle Peter again, had won them over.  
Seeing her uncle look at Stiles with a loving expression on his face and something that reminded her of yearning, when the boy had been cuddling with a toddler, had been the final draw and caused Laura to flee the scene and into the house and into the kitchen, to grab herself a glass of water.

“What now?” Her mother had asked from where she had taken out a huge bowl of potato salad from the fridge, to set up everything for dinner.

“Believe me, you don’t want to know.” Laura had answered. She then had proceeded to grab herself another apron and help her mother out in the kitchen.

Maybe by the time dinner was ready, she would be prepared enough to continue watching the lovesick couple.

She was mistaken.

* * *

 

Dinner was a nightmare.

Once her father had deemed the barbecue ready to be eaten and huge bowls of potato salad, noddle salad, bread, dips, cheeses, and a whole list of side dishes had been put on the long table in the backyard, everybody had gathered and sat down to enjoy dinner.

Peter and Stiles sat across from Laura, Derek and Cora, still holding hands and talking quietly. All three siblings had watched them, but the couple was either oblivious to their staring or simply ignored them.

Their father was walking around the table with a huge plate of delicious smelling meat and handed it out to everyone.

Once he reached Stiles and Peter he hesitated before putting on a polite smile.

Usually Peter would immediately demand the biggest piece of meat there was, but today he didn’t.

“No thank you, Stiles and I are vegetarian.” Peter declined and instead grabbed the noodle salad to put a generous helping on Stiles plate, who pecked the wolf softly on the cheek.

Somewhere down the table a plate hit the ground and another person dropped their water glass. There was an instant silence spreading through the yard and only the children could be heard.

“Holy shit.” Cora whispered and Derek nodded. Holy shit indeed.

Their father was the first person to react again.

“Oh well, I could offer you some roasted corn? We also have some grilled feta cheese? And baked potatoes.” His voice sounded steady, Laura didn’t know how he managed that, and everybody listened carefully for the couple’s reaction.

“Ah, that sounds delicious and is very generous of you but it was prepared on the same grill as the meat so it’s not really vegetarian. Thanks though.” Stiles looked a little sheepish. “And really, there’s so many vegetarian side dishes so it’s not like we’ll starve. We don’t want to cause you any trouble, especially since our visit was unannounced.”

Their father looked from Stiles to Peter, seemingly a little unsure about what he was supposed to do. Peter was a wolf after all, wolves weren’t vegetarians.

“Alright.” He eventually said and made a hasty escape.

For a long second everybody continued to be silent, then slowly everybody began talking again and continued their conversations.

Peter continued filling Stiles plate with a large variety of foods, while the boy sneaked bits and pieces from Peter’s already filled plate.

“Man, this noddle salad is delicious.” Stiles moaned around a fork full and quickly continued to shovel it into his mouth. “Do you think we can take some of it home? In case there are leftovers?” He asked Peter.

Cora began to choke on her water and even Laura wasn’t sure if she’d heard right.

“Wait, do you live together?” She asked, her voice high pitched from the shock.

“Of course we do.” Peter rolled his eyes. “I could hardly let Stiles live in those rancid dorms of his university. And he was spending almost all of his semester break with me anyways so I decided that I should get us a nice penthouse not too far from his university where we could live during his semester.”

“My dad prefers it to the dorms. He’s worried about the crime rate there. And it’d would be kinda weird if we got married without living together first.” Stiles shrugged with his mouth full, ignoring Peter’s plea to stop eating with his mouth full, he could choke otherwise.

But currently it was Derek who was choking. The shock of all these new information had caused him to practically inhale a piece of bread.

“You’re living together?” Cora asked.

“His father knows and approves?” Laura continued.

“You’re engaged?” The fact that Derek actually asked a question with a question mark at the end was proof of how shocking their uncle’s engagement was.

Stiles looked at their shocked faces with a frown, before he turned to Peter.

“You didn’t tell them?” He asked then, slightly accusing.

“Must’ve slipped my mind.” Peter shrugged but there was a little bit of guilt in his voice.

Stiles huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, ignoring the full plate of food in front of him. He seemed genuinely upset and Laura felt sorry for him. It must be difficult to be in a relationship with Peter.

“Darling, you know that don’t necessarily like my family very much, can you really hold it against me that I wanted to try to protect you from their meddling ways? If they’d even known about our relationship, they wouldn’t have kept their noses out of it.” Her uncle tried to soothe, which made Stiles roll his eyes.

“Oh please continue, it’s not like we can’t hear how much you hate us.” Their cousin muttered, but Peter didn’t even as much as glance at her.

“Fine, but you’ll still be sleeping on the couch tonight.” The boy decided and began eating again, a little smirk on his lips.

“Now you’re unnecessary cruel.” Peter sighed. “You know what that does to my neck and back. I’ll be in pain all day tomorrow.”

“I can’t help that you’re an old man. I’ve napped on that couch countless times and my neck was feeling fine.” Stiles quipped, now grinning a little. He was a lot more similar to Peter than Laura had first thought.

“Old man? Well, darling you should be grateful for the age difference, otherwise your daddy kink would be a little unbelievable. At least with me you can pretend it’s really your daddy who makes you cry from pleasure.” Peter had a devilish grin on his face and Stiles face turned at least five different shades of red.

The boy spluttered for a few seconds, clearly aware of the fact that all Hales had heard Peter’s words.

“Mommy, why would Uncle Peter make his mate cry? And why is Peter play pretending to be his daddy?” A little voice asked confused and Laura tried to contain her giggles, but little Susie’s confused voice was simply hilarious.

Cora joined in on her laughter and even Derek began to chuckle.

“Peter!” Stiles protested, face still burning red and hit the man’s shoulder. “You could at least share the embarrassment with me!”

“Dear boy, why would I do that? Compared to the rest of my family’s kinky bedroom life we’re still the most normal ones. Also, we’re werewolves, there are no secrets, no matter how intimate. It’s a curse, really.” Peter sighed.

“I hate you, you’re the devil!”

“Last night you called me a God and now suddenly you compare me to the devil, darling you have to make up your mind.” Peter mumbled drily and shot Laura a cheeky look.

No matter how much she tried to, she couldn’t hold back the laugh that was bubbling up her throat.

Stiles moaned in despair and began eating his noodle salad again, like a man on a mission to choke on it.

* * *

 

 

“Well, this was lovely.” Peter smiled and put an arm around Stiles’ waist to pull the boy a little closer to him. “Perhaps I’ll show up for more family gatherings in the future.” He decided and Laura could hear how her aunt mumbled a quiet ‘ _Oh please don’t’_ somewhere in the house.

Stiles nodded his head.

“Yeah, we have to bring back the containers you let us borrow.” Stiles beamed down at the three large Tupper ware containers he had in his arms. They were filled to the brim with all leftover potato and noodle salad and Stiles had looked like a child on Christmas when Talia had handed them to him.

“Don’t worry about it.” Talia smiled and Laura almost laughed out loud again. It was obvious that Talia was charmed by Stiles but was aware that Stiles and Peter were a unit and that it meant they would only get to see Stiles with Peter in tow.

“I was thinking Sunday dinner.” Peter contemplated out loud, obviously enjoying the way Talia’s eye began to twitch.

“Oh, but we have already plans with my dad.” Stiles pouted a little.

“Well, then we’ll have to simply invite the sheriff along with us.” Peter exclaimed and the human was grinning again.

“Awesome!” He gushed. “But only if it’s not a bother.”

Laura saw how the boy looked at her mother with wide eyes and it was obvious how those Bambi eyes affected everyone.

“You’re always welcome.” Talia sighed, which caused Peter to snort and Stiles to almost brim with happiness.

“Yes! I have to say it was awesome meeting you and thanks for the food again.”

“Until Sunday dear sister, Laura.” Peter nodded at them, before leading Stiles down the steps of the front porch to the car, where he opened the door for the boy once more, like a proper gentleman. Laura was still not used to it.

She felt her siblings come up behind her mother and her und watch their uncle and Stiles drive away.

“Uncle Peter is engaged.” Cora began to giggle again.

“To the son of a Sheriff.” Derek continued, disbelieve in his voice.

“Stiles looks like an actual human being, not a blow up doll.” Laura was still amazed by that.

“And he’s such a charming young man…” Talia blinked slightly irritated, before she threw a dark look at Derek. “Why couldn’t you have met Stiles first? It’s time for you to bring home a boy like this.”

Derek paled visibly and stared unbelievingly at his mother.

“Mom!” He protested, his ears flushing red.

Laura laughed, at least until her mother’s eyes landed on her.

“You too, young lady. You’ve reached your mid-twenties and are still painfully single. Even your uncle Peter is about to get married!” She frowned a little. “I always thought he would end up marrying someone in some chapel in Las Vegas, completely drunk. I should start thinking about a perfect wedding gift.” And with that she returned to the backyard to spend some more time with their remaining relatives.

The three Hale siblings continued to stand silently at the front door.

“….our romance game is weaker than Uncle Peter’s.” Cora then mumbled quietly.

“I feel like I should cry because I’m still single.” Laura groaned. Perhaps she should take up Deputy Parrish’s offer of taking her out for coffee.

“I need a boyfriend.” Cora nodded to herself, but Derek growled.

“You’re far too young to date!” He protested, before frowning himself. Well, frown more than he usually did. “Do you think Isaac would go on a date with me if I asked him to?” He then asked, more to himself than to his sisters.

Usually, Laura would’ve made of her brother as soon as she had found out about a crush, but she was still too stunned to react properly.

“I’m gonna call Parrish.” She pulled out her phone, searched for his number and left to go to her room for a little privacy.

“And I’ll call Isaac.” She heard Derek decide and footsteps following her up. Guess she wasn’t the only one wanting a little privacy.

“Hey, why is nobody there for me to call?” Laura heard Cora exclaim and almost giggled when she heard little Susie reply.

“Mommy says it’s because you scare all the boys away.”

 

* * *

Talia sighed from where she sat outside next to her husband.

“Well, at least now I can hope for some grandchildren. This will probably the only thing I’ll ever have to thank Peter for. Who knew he’d be the reason my children would finally get their love lives in order.” She leaned against her husband who nodded silently before opening and closing his mouth a few times, obviously searching for the right words.

“Can you believe Peter is a vegetarian?”

**Author's Note:**

> Still here? Enjoyed it?  
> Please leave a comment, kudos or bookmark if you did.  
> Thanks for reading!


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